Scarred
by jeddikah
Summary: Jiyong is going through a bad time, a really bad time. He's confused and doesn't know what's going on with himself. he needs a savior but will he get one and will it be in time? GTOP, SMUT, BOYLOVE, YAOI, SELF HARM, GRAPHIC CONTENT. you have been warned. smut will be later chapters
1. Only the beginning

Early on a Saturday morning, while all other band members, what he assumed, were still sleeping; the should be asleep Big Bang leader was leisurely driving to the YG studio. It was early, too early for his liking actually but he's had much difficulty sleeping these past few months, as a result of the work load he assumed. Something's been eating at him too but stress had never done anything like this to him before so he had nothing to compare the feeling too, kind of like exhaustion and tiredness all the time and at night he couldn't shut his mind down to sleep. Essentially he was wound up all the time but with a constant strange tightened feeling in his stomach. But he brushed it all aside; he was Big Bang's leader and had to be strong for all of them. He wouldn't let it get to him! Or at least he tried. He really did.

Kwan Jiyong, otherwise known as G Dragon stepped out of his Lamborghini at the YG studio lot and instantly notices with relief that there was only one other car, he would not be bothered by anyone, had anyone been watching they would have seen him visibly relax. 'Thank god' the leader thought.

Jiyong had intended on going into the studio to attempt composing some songs for Big Bang's comeback, he always wrote his emotions into his songs and thought it would be a great idea to get there early and make a start without any distractions. However once he stepped through the threshold of the studio he had second thoughts. 'maybe I shouldn't do this without them' 'them' being his band mates , Lee Seung-hyun known as Seungri, Dong Youngbae known as Taeyang, Kang Daesung simply known as Daesung and Choi Seung-hyun know as TOP, or Bingu depending on his mood.

'TOP…' Jiyong hummed at the thought of his hyung. '..urh not this shit again! Snap out of it!' Jiyong snapped at himself mentally, genuinely pissed at his wayward thoughts.

Jiyong can't remember when he started thinking about his hyung often or why he cared so much about what the older thought; he hadn't yet made the connection from these thoughts to his anxious feelings but whenever he would think about TOP he physically felt better, like his stomach muscles would relax and his thoughts would calm down too.

When he thought about composing some more it occurred to him that since he's feeling really shitty that maybe it would transfer to his songs, he'd never want to jeopardise Big Bang and only wants the best for them so he decided otherwise. "For fuck sake! I got up this damn early for nothing!" came absentmindedly from the leader who now wishes he's thought about this more earlier. Well there was no point wasting this time he thought so he decided to go to the gym, of course YG had its own gym, fully equipped and with personal trainers available, well at reasonable hours that is.

The leader made his way through the large and modern building to the gym, it doesn't matter whether it was an unplanned visit because they had lockers with gym clothes and showers, all YG artists had these facilities available at all times.

Upon arriving at the locker room he quickly changed into his sweat pants and shirt, making sure it had long sleeves and started to stretch, he knew how bad it could be if you didn't stretch properly. Last time he went full force at the gym to let out some stress he couldn't move the next day and had his band mates wait on him all day while he was bed ridden, he smiles at the thought of Youngbae bringing him coffee because he was cold and couldn't move, he can be so motherly sometimes.

That thought cheered him up a little and with a pang of guilt in his chest it reminded him that he needs to stay healthy for them all. With that walked into the gym and chose the treadmill to work out on for a while and he let loose. He loved the feeling it gave him, he'd spent 20 minutes warming up on a medium pace but for the last 15 minutes he's let out all his worries and frustrations, his heart was pumping so hard that you could see it through his shirt that was sticking to him because of the sweat, in fact his entire body was slick with sweat, it was dripping from both temples and off his nose.

He hopped off the machine and immediately slouched forward with his hands stabilizing him on his knees, he had a towel around his shoulders that he used to wipe his face, he was buggered but still he wanted, no, needed to push himself harder. He stood up heart rate and blood still pumping and not wanting to lose his endorphin high his eyes scanned the facility for his next target. He still needed more, he still felt horrible, and he needed to work it off.

While he was scanning the room for the next machine he saw the boxing bag, perfect he thought. It's exactly what he needed. He padded over to the cupboard that stored the gloves he needed to keep his knuckles and wrists safe from the beating he was about to put them through. He sifted through it until he found what he wanted, black Everlast gloves in his size. He took them out and was about to put them when someone behind him scared the snot out of him.

"Mr Kwon, I'm glad to see you here. You've been avoiding me." The man stated as a matter of fact, but with a playful smile on his face. This man was one of the YG personal physicians, and in particular, Big Bang's Personal physician who was in charge of making sure all 5 men were mentally and physically healthy.

"Hello Dr Tatum, yes I have and I'm sorry" was all he could respond with after being startled like that. 'That explains the one car in the lot' he thought annoyingly.

"I know you're busy so I won't take too much time but while I have you here, I'd like to give you a once over, I'm being payed you keep you healthy after all." came from the good mannered doctor who really does like Jiyong.

"Dr I don't think now's a g.."

"No buts. Please sir it'll be quick"

Jiyong gave in and the doctor noticed the horror in his charges face, he'd need get to the bottom of that.

The doctor led Jiyong back to the locker where he had conveniently left his things. He sat the leader down on a bench and just ran through a small list of things he wanted to check today, temperature, heart rate, blood pressure and reflexes. Temperature was easy and all clear, reflexes are fine and great for stage work but his heart rate was still a little high for someone who's relaxed. Or maybe, he's not.

The part Jiyong had been dreading and the entire reason he had been avoiding the doctor, the blood pressure test, not because he was unhealthy but because he was hiding something, from everyone.

"Alright Jiyong, roll up your sleeve"

The doctor saw the hesitation and decided to take another step forward, it was his job.

"Jiyong, you have no need to hide anything from me, I am a professional and I need to know what's going on for your safety." Dr Tatum says to the nervous man reassuringly.

Jiyong looked down, ashamed etched painfully on his boyishly handsome face as he listed the sleeve of his right arm and the good doctor visibly shook at what he saw; deep red wounds, spanning 1 to 4 inches all different and clearly done at different times. About 4 weeks would be doctor Tatum's best guess judging by the oldest of the healing wounds as he took a moment to put it all together.

"Jiyong… why are you doing this?" concern not being hidden on his face "You need to stop this, is this why you were pushing yourself so hard today?"

"I.." He couldn't find his voice, his entire life up til now was gone, and there were no words.  
The doctor gave him a minute as he himself was thinking about how best to go about this situation, he was worried about the star, sure, but he had no idea Jiyong would go this far.

Jiyong knew the doctor would want an explanation so instead of being asked, he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, it was worse. He couldn't help the tear that left its watery confines and rolled down his cheek "I don't know what's wrong"

"It's alright, don't worry." Dr Tatum said with a cool amount of authority and calmness, putting Jiyong at ease. "First things first, let's get these wounds clean"

During the course of treatment Dr Tatum discussed with the star, everything, from depression to the symptoms of anxiety, both of those being the probable cause of what's happening to his charge, seeing that he has symptoms of both. They also spoke about resolutions and decided that throughout the next 3 months Jiyong would see Dr Tatum one a week and onwards til he was, for lack of better word, better. Together they had come to the conclusion that the star needed to figure out what it was exactly that was making him feel like this, that's what causing the anxiety and the not knowing was causing the depression and self-harm. That's what will help him, that's what needs to be worked towards and he knew it wouldn't be easy. This was going to be a long and tedious road but one that needs to be taken.

"Jiyong, doctor patient confidentially is the law and I will adhere to it for you because we have established a course of action however, should we meet again in the coming weeks and I see more harm I will make it a priority to speak to the CEO. Do you understand? If I can't help you, I will seek it." The doctor really hated being so firm with the star but he really needed to make it stop and make him understand that self-harm won't help. "Before I go, I think it would be in your best interest to talk things through with the other members. There's no doubt in my mind that they're worried about you and I really do think it'll help."

The leader sat there, now covered up again and absorbed the words. 'What the hell would you know? I need to be strong!' was screaming in his head, he knows he carries a lot of weight on his shoulders but he truly believes it is nothing he can't handle. He just needs to get a grip on this cutting. "Yes doctor. I will work on it and I won't cut" and even to him he doesn't sound that convincing, but he knows he has too. It's not just his life and career on the line. But his band mates too.

With that, the doctor packed up his stuff and left. Jiyong was there, alone and thinking. 'What will they say if I tell them? What will hyung say? I can't don't want him to see me like this. I can't! I won't!' this time when his hyung entered his thoughts he let them stay and almost liked them. 'My hyung' he thought and made up his mind to sort this out himself; He wouldn't disappoint TOP. It was not an option.

* * *

A/N

Okay guys, here the deal. I wrote this chapter years ago and recently picked up the story again, so chapter 2 and onwards will likely have a different writing style! either way thanks for reading and and i hope you enjoy it


	2. Acceptance

Scarred chapter 2

Jiyong decided it would be in his best interest to not tell his band mates about this situation, it'll only make them worry unnecessarily, after the doctor left he sat there for what felt like an eternity but realistically was only about 40 minutes. He was confused beyond belief as to how he let it get this far and what was causing it, whatever it is, it needs to end.

The young star decided it would be better to stop for the day, despite not working out for long he was exhausted; you could see the dark circles under his eyes and he knew other YG artists would start appearing soon so he should leave now and head back to Big Bang's dorm. Maybe he would be able to sleep! 'That would be great!' thought the now slightly excited star.

 **Meanwhile**

"Guys! Have any of you seen Jiyong this morning? He's not in his room and he isn't answering his phone"

At this time the other four members were in their hyung's room eating brunch, because they had all overslept after a particularly long day they had previously. They always end up eating In Seung-hyun's room because it was normal, though Youngbae normally ended up cooking most of the time often having to smack a hungry Daesung to stop him from picking at the cooking food.

"mmf no hyung.." came from the younger Seung-hyun who was, if you could believe it was eating pancakes with lemon and sugar that Youngbae had made them all.  
"Hyung, I think I heard him leave early this morning, well I heard someone leave but I wasn't sure who" said Youngbae at the stove cooking more pancakes because Daesung and little Seung-hyun had eaten most of them already so he was cooking more.

Big Seung-hyun took the answers in and turned on his heel and left the dining area, he's on a mission to find Jiyong. He has noticed the younger acting strange recently, he's seemed distant and fragile and deathly pale. Seung-hyun has been so worried he has difficulties sleeping.

Seung-hyun left the Big Bang dorm to find they're leader who has been MIA since this morning, the older made his way to his car in the lot and realised that Jiyong's car was already missing; seems Youngbae was right, he had left this morning. 'Where would he have gone' wondered the rap star. Perhaps he'd check their favourite diner? Or maybe he'd decided to go to his home? Or maybe he's at the studio? So many places he could be and he needed to check them all.  
With that he got in his car and decided to check whichever one was closest, that seems to be… the diner, and so that's where he starts.

"No I'm sorry Seung-hyun, I haven't seen Jiyong today" said the manager at the diner who knew all 5 men personally. "Thank you hyung, I'll keep looking" said Seung-hyun as he turned and left the delicious smelling room. As he headed back to his car he thought that perhaps instead of going to Jiyong's house he'd just head to the studio at the YG building, figuring that if he was home he probably wouldn't want to be disturbed.

Pulling into the parking lot at the YG building Seung-hyun breathes a sigh of relief as he notices Jiyong's car also parked in the lot, not many others but he's positive that the white Lamborghini belongs to Big Bangs leader.  
He pulls into a parking spot, gets ready to get out and head into the large building to find Jiyong; he thinks he'll start in Big Bangs personal studio and by deductive reasoning close in on all the other rooms looking for the man that has him so worried. As he got out and locked his car he took a moment to admire Jiyong's car, gorgeous it absolutely was! Though Seung-hyun's car was indeed beautiful to, BMW i8 in Protonic Blue with highlight in Frozen Grey metallic, it, like the leaders car is a sight to behold.

Seung-hyun heads into the building, feeling comfortable, like it's his second home and it is.  
In the studio there was no one, nothing had even been touched since their last gathering in there two days ago. 'Well I guess the next best place would be the cafeteria since he probably haven't eaten yet' and he makes his was in that direction, making his way through this giant maze of a building.

Jiyong drags himself off the bench and makes his way to his locker and takes out his clothes 'I'll just have a shower at the dorms, 'fuck bumping into anyone else' thinks the tired leader as he changes into his casual wear, putting his dirty gym clothes in a small basket in front of his locker, a cleaner will come and take these for cleaning and when he comes back they'll be clean and ready for use.

He puts his wallet and keys in his pocket and heads back to his car thinking about what Dr Tatum and he had discussed and what he's going to do about it, he's still thinking it's a bad idea to tell the other members and worse still, his hyung.

As he walks through the big building he passes Big Bangs studio and smells a familiar scent, its TOP's 'Hyungs been here, no wait.. he's still here' thinks the leader as panic begins to set in, he doesn't want to see his band mates yet let alone the possible reason for his possible illness, he's not ready, he still needs to shower and have coffee and something to eat to put some colour back into him, though the thought of food makes him feel ill he knows it'll help. He rushes through the building carefully trying not to bump into his hyung.  
'but god he smells like heaven' he thinks "aish shut up!" he says quietly but he knows it's the truth, he loves the cologne his hyung wear, it's intoxicating.

He manages to make it out of the building safely and without seeing anyone of any importance, he rushes to his car unlocking it with the button on the way noticing his hyung's car too, gets in as quick as he can and leaves YG premises. Thinking in the car he decides its best if he goes home and calls his band mates later informing them that he'll be spending the night there instead of the dorm, they'll understand, they all miss their houses too.

After checking the other studios and cafeteria Seung-hyun decides to check the gym, though he knows Jiyong didn't really like working out too much let alone in the morning, he decides to check anyway and yep sure enough the evidence that the leader was there, was sitting in the small basket in front of his locker, just some dirty clothes.  
'That means he's here!' thought the older excitedly 'but he's already finished and I don't hear the showers running, where could he be' again getting worried. TOP hurriedly checks over the rooms and asks employees if they've seen the one and only G-Dragon but, all the rooms were empty and everyone who saw him said they hadn't seen him in a while.

Defeated he returns to his car thinking that he was so close to fining Jiyong but somehow he'd slipped through his fingers, as soon as he's outside he notices that Jiyong's car is gone "urh I did miss him! Is he avoiding us?" he says aloud frustrated.

'I can't stop here, I need to find him' he really does need to find him, its eating at the older, he needs to make sure Jiyong is okay and something is telling him everything is the exact opposite.  
Seung-hyun get in his car and heads back to the dorm, he wants to do a few things before he starts looking for their MIA leader again.

 **Back at the dorm**

"So did you find him hyung, where is he?" Daesung said from the couch in front of the TV.

"No not yet, I just come back to have a shower and eat something. I'll start looking again when I'm done."

"Hyung, I've noticed that Jiyong has been acting strange lately I'm starting to worry about him, do you think he'd tell us if there was something wrong? We are making a comeback I want to help" came from little Seung-hyun clearly showing signs of worry; it was etched in his young face that he was concerned.

"Don't worry Seung-hyun I'm going back out to find him he won't leave us, so don't worry" the older reassured the younger man.

Eating what Youngbae had made quickly the eldest Big Bang member showered and left his fellow members in the dorm once angina to look for their beloved leader.

"please find him hyung, something doesn't feel right..' came quietly from Youngbae as Seung-hyun was leaving, he simply nodded in agreement and understanding and then left.

On his way down to his car, the older band member couldn't help but hurry, he had the same gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach, the same one he assumed Youngbae had. He had to find him today. Once again he steps into his car and sets off, this time he knows where not to look and has narrowed down a few places where Jiyong could be. 'his house.. that's where he'll end up. I know it.'. but that isn't where he drove to, instead he drove to where they had shot some of their music video clips, a large secluded plain. It had everything, various types of buildings and open spaces with grassy fields to desert sand plains. Jiyong had always liked being there during those times. Of course he could enter whenever he liked because the entire plain was owned by Mr YG.

The drive into too far, about 40 minutes or so Seung-hyun had guessed, its been a while since any of them had been there. He figured that if Ji wasn't there he would simply go to the leaders house and if he wasn't there then he would wait. 'yes, that's it' he thought, knowing that Jiyong would eventually go home, especially since he seemed to be avoiding his fellow members.

 **Back to GD**

Utterly spent the young leader drove back to his home, he loved his house, it was so large and spacious and he had it decorated exactly how he wanted. It was modern and sleek and everything that embodied GDragon and that persona, because up til recently that WAS GDragon. Now though, he isn't exactly feeling like himself. While on route to his house he let his wayward thoughts roll in making no attempt to stop them, some of them making him feel better some of them making him feel worse.. the ones of his hyung made him feel light and for a brief moment, almost happy. But that was brief because his thoughts soon drifted to his other band mates, the very ones he knew he was letting down, doing what he was doing.

The thoughts of his youngers made him feel so much worse, on top of everything he had guilt for that as well and before he could stop them, a steady stream of tears had broken free and he was crying. Slow at first but as fast as those thoughts were coming, so were the tears.  
By the time he made it home he was basically heaving against his steering wheel, feeling more broken then he had when he woke up this morning and it was barely 12pm.

Pushing the button to open the gates to his mansion he slowing rolled the super car in and pressed the second button to open the garage roller door and steadily pulled the car in. Pulling the handbrake and turning off the ignition he sat for a moment wondering what the hell he was even doing, he had no real direction or drive.  
But still he got out and closed the roller door thinking that he needed to shower and eat or he'd never be able to face his bandmates.

Dragging his feet upstairs to his bedroom the leader could practically feel the dark cloud that had surround him, it was almost visible and it only made everything worse. 'what if everyone else can see it' he thought despite knowing very well that was not possible , he was beginning to doubt himself.  
As he made it to his room he was crying again, tears he could not stop. All of those dark thoughts are creeping in his mind and feelings of guilt and doubt.

Stripping down while walking to his bathroom, dropping clothes along the way and dragging his feet he could not believe how broken he had become. The lean and well-toned man turned on the water; hot first then added the cold till the temperature was what he felt he needed. It was scorching hot but he felt like it needed to be that way to wash away the shame he felt. Stepping in, he hissed as the hot water stung his back and worst still, the fresh wounds on his arms. It hurt so bad but Jiyong embraced the pain feeling like this was the least he deserved.

Sliding down the sleek tiles to land ass first of the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest you could no longer distinguish what was tears and what was water as he just sat there and prayed the water washed him away with his tears. 'I need help.. I need to be saved.. i don't deserve help.. I don't deserve to be save.. I should just wash away' were the only thoughts as he sat the under the constant stream for what? 5 minutes? 10? an hour? an eternity?.  
By this time he was bright red all over from the heat of the water and his fingers and toes had gone wrinkly, but he wasn't better. The cloud was still there and the knot in his stomach was worse, he could no longer tell if he was crying or if he'd run out of tears but at that moment he thoughts darkened and he realised that he really could wash away..

Quickly while he still had motivation he moved forward on the floor of his bathroom and towards his cabinet, he ruffled around in a draw till he could what he was looking for. Pulling down a small bag he unzipped it, it was his shaving kit for when he had long periods of time at his house, but more specifically, his cut throat razor. Taking it and crawling back to the comfort of his hot shower he unfolded it with unsteadying, shaking fingers.

This time he knew the tears were falling while he was staring at the blade, sad, lonely and confused he gave brief thoughts to those who matter to him most, his mumma. "oh mum.. I'm so sorry I failed you!, you were so proud but it was all for nothing!" and with that he gave a slash, one clean quick line over scars and even some still fresh wounds on his left arm.  
He chocked in a sob as he dropped his left arm, blood mixing with water swirling down the drain, it hurt, but he didn't care. Seeing the blood drop brought a ping of relief, he really was washing away.

Lifting his arm again watching his life drain he thought of his band mates, those who counted on him, trusted and relied on him and those who looked up to him, this cut, this one he needed to make hurt more. To make up for the pain he would cause these people, these people who he held so dear and so close to his heart.  
But it wasn't enough to stop him from this endeavour as he took another slash at his arm! Barely 2 centre metres away from the previous one the new wound raw and burning and from the hot water as even more blood drained from his body.

The blood loss was beginning to affect him now, feeling cloudy and woozy he needed one more, one more will finish him, end this pain and nightmarish life. Feeling lost and dizzy his thoughts wondered to his one, the one that made him feel better, that's what he needed right now, to feel better even if only briefly. "Seung-Hyun. Im sorry, I disappointed you. I let you down. And I wish I could have given you one last hug.. Seung-Hyun, did I ever tell you? You smell really good. It's the most amazing scent in the world to me.. This hurts Seung-Hyun.. but I can't stop.. and its too late. I hope you can forgive me" The blood won't stop flowing, the hot water has thinned his blood so he knows it will not be long now, determined, he lifts the blade one more time and with what's left of his strength he makes one last and deepest slash, this one crossing the previous two. They are no longer long wounds as now it more resembles a gaping hole, the steam that filled the air and Jiyong nostrils had a metallic tint now too as a result of his red essence flowing almost as much as the hot water.  
Within minutes he had begun to slip in and out of consciousness, his vision whitening with each lapse, each time mumbling one name-

"Seung-Hyun…"

* * *

A/N

so there you have it guys! different huh?

thanks for reading!

Much love, Jeddy


	3. Ending the game

**Scarred Chapter 3**

 **TOP**

After Seung-Hyun drove through the YG plains carpark he made a quite U bolt for the exit, there was no need to get out of the car because Ji's Lamborghini was not parked there. Mentally kicking himself for wasting so much time, it'll still take at least 20 minutes to get to his leaders house and by now he was sick with worry, and panic was wreaking havoc. He had to take a deep breath to steady himself.

Speeding down the highway towards Jiyong's house, Seung-Hyun decided to quickly make some calls to the other members, something told him that they would want to know how close he was to finding him, dragging out his phone from his pocket he quick dialled Daesung knowing he'd be able to keep a cool head about everything, but he needed to make it quick as he was only 10 minutes from the leaders house.

…."Hello?"  
"Dae somethings wrong, I can feel it. Im on my way to Jiyong's house right now, I'm only a few minutes away. "  
"Hyung.. what should we do? Do you want us to meet you there?"

Seung-Hyun was silent for a moment while processing Daesung's question, what did he want them to do?

"yeah. Get the others and come to Ji's place, if anything changes ill call you"

That was pretty much all the elder could come up with, he had forgotten why he even called but his heart was racing and he felt ill. "dammit Ji what have you done"

…."Hyung? are you there?" came from Daesung on the phone. Didn't Seung-Hyun realise he had forgotten to hang up?

"Yes Dae I'm here.. and I'm almost at Jiyongs house. Dae im scared something bad has happened.. I love him.."

…. The words were out before he could stop them; he had told Daesung that he loved their leader, but why? Did he?.. he thought about it for mere seconds before he realised the truth that, yes he did.

Daesung waited before simply replying

"we know hyung"

Seung-Hyun let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding in and for a split second he felt lighter, and his head was clearer. Then his short drive was over and he was pulling up to the leaders house.

"Dae. I'm here I gotta go find him! Ill see you soon!"

He didn't even wait for a reply and hung up, something definitely wasn't right, he drove straight into Jiyongs yard, the gates were open and upon closer inspection and to Seung-Hyun's distaste, his garage door was open too. That was not normal and he knew it! The leader would never leave his pride and joy so open and exposed to the elements or his gates open to the public or any creep for that matter.

At this point he knew that the leader was here but that something was seriously wrong, he knew at that moment he had to be quick, he slammed on his brakes and shot out of his luxury car and ran towards the garage.

Once inside the house the Big Bang rapper took barely a single second to take in his surroundings, the house smelled like his Ji. 'my Ji' he thought, his revelation was not a shocking this time but sure enough he could recognize Jiyong by scent anywhere and he was beginning to feel lost in his toxicity simply standing there smelling his loved one.

Snapping himself out of it Seung-Hyun started his search for the Big Bang leader, running through the first floor of the house his movements became more frantic as he realised he wasn't there. Finding his way back to the middle of the house he sprinted up the stairs looking for Ji, bolting straight to pop stars bedroom he busted through the door and felt a wave of relief as he stepped in and could hear the shower running through bathroom door the door.

Wanting to sink to the floor and wait for the leader and not intrude in his privacy, the older male decided to go and knock on the door and make his presence known.

Knock knock

"Ji its Seung-Hyun, I came here because were all worried about you"

….. silence

knock knock knock

"Jijong?!"

He waited for a reply nervously for what seemed like an eternity before deciding to just walk in, it wouldn't be a big deal, they're both men and they've seen each other before. all those times in the YG gym change rooms, so right now wouldn't be a big deal.

Taking a steady breath the rapper opened the door, only to be greeted by a wall of steam at first, trying to look around for the younger man. As the steam disappeared Seung-Hyun's heart fell into his stomach, he couldn't see the man at first but he could see the bright red blood that had spilled everywhere near the shower, the glowing life essence that he knew was his beloved.

In two quick strides he was standing in the shower looming over Jiyong, fighting the shock that coursed through his body and straining to see through the steam and tears. The sight was horrific, Ji, his Ji, lying lifeless and bleeding and exposed. His adrenaline kicked and he quickly lifted the man out of the running shower and moved him to the floor in the bathroom, making short work of removing his shirt he quickly tied it tightly around Jiyong's arm.

Taking the younger man's right wrist he desperately attempted to find a pulse, but it was so difficult in the panic, he was shaking and it was hard to find the right grip on his slippery love. Finding a pulse, it was hardly there and Seung-Hyun thought in his adrenalin fuelled blitz that he had imagined it, but he took it and ran with that hope. Keeping pressure on the pop stars arm he fished out his phone and dialled triple zero (emergency response number in Australia).

The call to the operator was quick as he basically yelled that he needed an ambulance and he need one right now! Now pissed that the ambulance would be about 5 minutes, he was worried that Ji wouldn't make it that long. He now had one hand on the man's wrist and the other was searching for a towel to put under Jiyong's head.

Making sure he could still feel that slight pulse, he even held his breath to make sure he could then quick dialled Daesung again

…."Hyung we're almost there!..."

"No Dae! We'll be at the hospital in minutes, the ambulance is on its way! Go there! Dae, its bad"

The rapper chocked out that last part to the Big Bang vocalist

"Hyung what the fuck…?!"

"just go to the hospital! I have to go the paramedics are here!"

And with that he hung up, dropping his phone on the tiles and shooting look at the paramedics that pleaded for them to save him. It was all a blur as they scurried around quickly trying to bring life back to the still man, not bothering to remove Seung-Hyun's shirt from Jiyongs arms they too searched for a pulse while attaching him to various machines that would attempt to keep him alive.

The rapper had crawled back and had his back against the cupboard under the sick, knees up and tears running down his cheeks while he watched the medical professionals do their job. Barely audible he kept whispering for them to save him over and over, basically a silent plea, he was not a religious man but be prayed to whatever god might exist to keep the young man here by his side.

In his daze he hadn't realized that they had moved Jiyong to a stretcher and were about to take him away, panicked he looked up at them questioningly

"he's still with us but we have to take him to hospital immediately, will you be riding with us in the ambulance sir?"

… "no, just go quickly! I'll be there soon!.. There are people there waiting already"

Seung-Hyun felt a part of his heart leave with his love as the paramedics took him away, he had so desperately wanted to go with him but two reasons stopped him, 1. Because he needed to clean up the blood in Jiyongs bathroom, the younger man did not need to see this if, no, when he recovered. And 2. Seung-Hyun could not bare to be there if Ji lost his life, if he had to witness that, he didn't think be able to live so he put all of his trust into the hands of those professionals. He would make life hell for those who didn't focus all their attention on saving the man.

Still shaking the man got up from the floor and turned off the shower, Ji's blood loss wouldn't have been so bad if this water hadn't have been so hot. Looking around he found towels, that'll have to do he thought as he started to clean up the mess. It did not take long for there to be no trace of blood left in the bathroom, he had taken the towels out to the laundry already and was simply giving the large bathroom a once over quickly before he left, and that's when he noticed it, the blade that his beloved had used to try and take his own life. Glimmering at the base of the shower was the cut throat razor; he stared at it feeling his rage almost boil over before picking it up and putting it in his pocket. He didn't know why he took it but he did and now it was time, time to find out if he still had the will to live, to find out if the one and only GDragon has survived.

Looking town at his watch only 15 minutes had passed, Ji would be at the hospital now and now he had to make the journey there too. Taking his phone off of the floor and pocketing that too the older male ran outside towards his car, while leaving he made sure to close all doors and lock the leaders house, it would not do well to have the property ransacked while the owner recovered. Exiting the large gates and making sure they closed behind him, Seung-Hyun planted it towards the hospital at a dangerous speed. He hoped he did not get pulled over by the police and lady luck was on his side because in less the 6 minutes he was parked outside the hospital attempting to gather his wits and courage to go and see the young man.

 **At the hospital**

The automatic doors that were at the hospital entrance would not open fast enough for Seung-Hyun's liking as he jittered on the balls of his feet waiting for them, once inside he practically ran to the counter demanding to see Jiyong.

"beg pardon sir? Who exactly are you looking for?"

As he was about to yell at the poor lady behind the desk he heard a familiar voice ringing from beside him somewhere.

"Hyung! You're finally here! What took you so long?!"

It was Daesung, and closely behind him was Youngbae and Big Bang maknae Seungri, quick glances behind Daesung showed him that all 3 had been crying, his heart sank, 'fuck! Did I make it in time? Is he still with us?!' was all he could think when the very same voice chimed in and broke his heavy thoughts

"Hyung… they took him.."

"where? Where is Jiyong?!"

…"sir"

This time it was a randoms voice that had interrupted

"My name is Doctor Taliah, and you all must be Jiyong's band mates. I'd like for you all to follow me please I have some information about our patient I assume you all would like to hear."

Turning on her heels the doctor walked away, followed very, very closely by the 4 men. She led them through some long hallways and up 2 floors and into a waiting room. It smelled sterile in here the oldest member thought but it was over shadowed my his mouth which had blurted out

"so where is he? Is he okay? Whats going on?"

"now, now. Please calm down sir, I can tell you that Jiyong is alive", the entire group let out a breath and visibly relaxed at the new information.

"thank you, lord!" they all heard Youngbae whisper somewhere behind them, he always was the motherly one in the group, Seung-Hyun feels bad for him, and the others, for having to go through this ordeal, but he knew as well as anyone that they are like family and they would not want to be anywhere else right now, then right here waiting for their leader.

"okay, what is the situation then doctor?" came calmly from Daesung

"well, right now Jiyong is in theatre having the wound cleaned and stitched up, unfortunately.. His blood loss was too severe and as a result of lack of blood to his brain, he's slipped into a coma" before anyone could chime in she quickly added

"he having some transfusions while he is in having surgery, so right now im afraid all we can do is wait, I imagine he will only be in there for about an hour and a half, depending on the wound. But I can assure you all he is under the best care available."

Stunned by these new revelations Seung-Hyun was speechless; his GD was on some cold table having blood pumped into him at this very moment in an attempt to keep him alive. Sick, he felt sick, nauseous and light headed and he needed to sit down. Taking a few steps back, the back of his legs found what they were looking for, a chair, once they hit, his knees buckled and he thomped onto the chair, head down he had his eyes closed and his chin rested on his chest. Slumped over and attempting to calm down, Seung-Hyun's mind raced with the information and the one looming question, Is Jiyong going to wake up?

Is he going to wake up? That was the same questions all 4 of them couldn't rid from their thoughts, in the waiting room, they had all seated and were conversing quietly when after what seemed like forever another doctor came in.

All 4 men looked up in anticipation at the clearly well-seasoned doctor, all itching to ask the question but none willing to break the silence when it was done for the,

"Jiyong's surgery went well, the transfusion was also a success and he is being transferred to recovery as we speak, after a few hours of monitoring he will then be moved to his own room where you will all be able to visit him."

"Will he wake up?" the older Seung-Hyun blurted out, he needs to know right now and it saves the others from having to ask

"Unfortunately we cannot be sure right now; and all we can do now is wait. He may show signs of waking but if he does it'll definitely be after the anaesthesia wears off"

The doctor left, leaving the four men in the room to gather their thoughts

"so what? We can't see him yet?"

"No Seung-Hyun! We can't!" the oldest male snapped at the youngest, immediately regretting speaking to his junior like that quickly adding

"I'm sorry Seung-Hyun.. I didn't mean to snap at you. I know we're all worried about Jiyong"

"I knew he wasn't feeling like himself, but I didn't know he would go this far" came from Youngbae

Daesung sat back and just listened to the conversation, pondering if what his hyung had to say had anything to do with this or if there was any correlation. He'd said 'I love him'. Did Jiyong feel the same? Were his possible feelings for his hyung the reason for all of this? But there was no tension between any of them. The young vocalist was confused by all of this but that feeling was only dwarfed by his worry for their leader. He need to talk to his hyung asap, but they weren't alone, he needed to get rid of the other two before asking any questions and thinking on his feet an excuse popped into his head

"Youngbae, I think we could all use a coffee, could you and Seung-Hyun please go get us all some? We'll need it.. we'll be here for a while."

He had hoped that didn't sound suspicious to anyone and it seemed to work because Youngbae and the maknae left the waiting room agreeing that they would indeed need some coffee, and maybe even some food.

"Hyung.."

"I know Daesung, I gather you didn't tell you them what I said?"

"no"

"why"

"I was shocked, I knew it to be true when I heard you but I figured you would want to sort things out with Jiyong before you spoke to the rest of us, but now.."

"Thank you, Daesung I appreciate it" Seung-Hyun resisted very urge to hug the younger man, he was so happy to have him a part of his life, and this man was the epitome of a best friend and brother.

"Hyung.. do.. you think.."

"I honestly don't know Dae, he might share these feelings but I don't know.. how could I live if that is the case anyway? Because then he would be in here right now, because I didn't notice, because I didn't see any signs earlier.."

"No hyung, it isn't your fault; none of us knew it was this bad. We all feel that way too but 'what ifs' are never a good idea, we just have to be here for him right now, okay?"

"yeah Dae, you're right thanks for being such an amazing friend" This time the older male didn't fight the urge and stepped in to hug his friend, tight and loving he just wanted him to know how much he meant to the older male.

Stepping away from the embrace they both took a seat once more

"what do we do now"

"wait, you heard the doctor, it'll be hours before we're allowed to visit" Seung-Hyun sighed and slouched into his chair.

After a few more minutes of silence Youngbae and little Seung-Hyun made their entrance, bringing the holy essence known as coffee, it was cheap coffee, disgusting compared to what they're all used to but at this time none of them cared, it was hot and it soothed the, if only for the few minutes they drank it.

A little over an hour later and three of the four men had dozed off siting in their chairs, it had been a fairly exhausting day for them all, but the eldest member couldn't bring himself to sleep. Instead he got up and left the room, wondering any and all of the hallways that he had access to desperately waiting for any information that would suggest his GD would be okay and that he could finally go and see him.

Making his way back to the waiting room he caught the sight of the doctor who would be the barer of news, good or bad, he practically marched towards him

"news doc?"

"arh Seung-Hyun I was about to come to see you guys, Jiyong has been transferred to his own room, he is not awake but can have visitors now"

"where is he?!"

Checking his chart for the location of his charge, it was taking way too long to find as far as Seung-Hyun was concerned

"he is on.. Floor two, ward B room 22"

That was all the man needed to hear and he took off like a bat out of hell towards the elevator, not even thinking twice about not saying thank you to the doctor or bothering to go wake up the other men. He did feel guilty but unfortunately for them, Jiyong is at the top of his priority list right now.

Briskly walking, he found where he needed to be, standing outside of room 22 he had started shaking again now, he was really about to see the man he thinks he loves, he needs to see him now, not covered in blood, naked and lifeless, like the very last time he had seen him.

His heart thumping in his chest he clicked the door open and walked in, silence, it was silent except the machines beeping, the ones he knew where keeping Ji alive. The sight was not that much better than the state the young man was in last time, he was so pale and fragile looking, a ghost and like a shell of a man. But this was definitely better, even if helped by a machine, this time he knew Ji was breathing. He was alive and breathing.

Walking towards the bed and taking a seat at one of those super uncomfortable chairs that only hospitals seem to have, he took a seat and scooted forward. Taking the leaders right hand in his own the older male held it up to his face, kissed it, smelled it and kissed it again. This was his Ji, he was by his side, finally where he needed to be.

A wave of emotion washed over him like a tsunami, relief, happiness, hope, joy, sadness and anger for even allowing it to happen, in his exhaustion he could do nothing but weep.

Still holding Jiyong's hand, ran his thumb over the sleeping man's knuckles, repeating the words 'I'm so sorry, please forgive me' Seung-Hyun was a broken man in that moment and didn't care about anything else except his love when he stood up and leaned over the bed, and with tears dripping on the tubes that were keeping the one and only GDragon alive, Seung-Hyun kissed the man's forehead and whispered "I love you Ji, please wake up"

* * *

A/N

hey guys! whoa i have not written this much since highschool, i just finished this chapter i hope to follow with the next and possible last chapter within a few days! i want to apologize for any possible mistakes, i do not have a proof reader so im on my own there! haha please if you like it, leave a comment and tell me why, i love feedback and positive works best for motivation

anyways, i do you you enjoyed this!

Much love, Jeddy


	4. Could it Be?

**Scarred chapter 4**

Waking up from unconsciousness is a bizarre thing, everyone feels the effects differently, for Jiyong it was like an out of body experience. He could feel his body and he knew it was him but it was like he was just outside of it, watching it happen without actually 'seeing'.  
He could hear voices around him, eyes still closed, he could not find the strength or will to open them as he listened intently trying to focus on who the voices are. They were all familiar to him, but his mind was still foggy and he couldn't distinguish any actual names.

"My sweet poor baby, what have you done?" he heard a woman squeak out, clearly exhausted and broken. Jiyong thinks it's his mother 'I am so sorry mother, please don't cry' he thought hazily.

"How long has he been here?" he heard the woman ask, but to who, he doesn't know who.

"He has not left ma'am" came from a man, a voice of authority.

'Who? Who hasn't left?' the young man thought to himself, since he can't see, the man they are both referring to would be the one and only Seung-Hyun who was currently asleep on a two seater lounge off to the side of the room, and they were right, Jiyong has been unconscious for almost a week and the rapper has not left the hospital once, despite being begged by his close friends and bandmates to just go home for a few hours to eat and sleep. He refused each time, wanting to be by Ji's side when he wakes up.

They had all been told that, Jiyong may or may not wake up from his slumber because they simply do not know how much damage was done to his brain from the blood loss, but Seung-Hyun wasn't going to give up, he know Jiyong would wake up. He could feel it.

"Ma'am, I know you're worried for your son, but you do not have the same resilience that Seung-Hyun has, you need to rest too" the doctor obviously concerned for the older woman.  
'How long has she been here?' the still man wondered, he does not want his mother to fall ill because of his mistakes.

Jiyong could hear the woman attempting to fight back at the man who is asking her to leave her son but she sounded defeated and eventually agreed to go home for a while, leaving the young man, in his daze and in total silence bar a few beeps of some machines, to think about what has happened and what will happen next.

Jiyong barely remembers what had happened, he was crying, in the shower, his heart was heavy and he just wanted to the pain to go away. 'Seung-Hyun' he thought 'I think I love you but..'. this can't be right, he is GDragon, he could have any woman in South Korea whenever he wanted, so why had he fallen for a man. He knew it to be true because he wanted nothing more than to be on a big bed somewhere with the older man so that he could just crawl into his arms and feel happy and safe. But that was just a wayward dream; he knew his hyung could not love him back, despite their closeness the older only saw him as a brother, not a love interest.

These thoughts saddened the man again as the fog in his mind started to fade, he got to feel the same way all over again, the same awful feelings that got him into the mess in the beginning.

By now the pain medication has started to wear off, it would not be long till he is given other dose but for now he will embrace the dark throbbing pain that has taken over is left arm, he supposes he really did a number on himself this time, it almost worked, he was so close to being free Inwardly sighing that it hadn't worked, He then wondered how he even got to the hospital, he was at home alone, so who came to find him?  
'Wait.. Seung-Hyun is here, does that mean that he is the one who found me?' now feeling shocked and more awake after that possible revelation, the young man started of open his eyes, it was hard, he still felt so tired, tired enough to just fall back asleep. But what he wanted more than that was to look at the man who may have saved him.

Finally having opened his eyes and allowing them to adjust, he took a look around the room, it was large and he figured that his status and fortune allowed this to happen, there were machines both sides of him and tubes running through both hands and an oxygen hose to his nose that was uncomfortable. On the cabinet next to him there were at least 5 different arrangements of flowers, no doubt from his loved ones who had visited him during his long sleep.

And that's when he noticed, the handsome man, awkwardly sleeping on a too small for him lounge. Studying him for a while, Jiyong couldn't help but think about how perfect this human was; in every aspect the young man could not find a fault. And that would be a problem, what if it WAS this perfect man who found him? He had subjected the older male to such disgusting scene; he could only imagine the state he was in when he had been found. Shuddering, he tried to push that thought aside so stare and the man and try to memorize every feature he could see in the dimly lit room.

Even slouched, Jiyong could see that the man was lean, his thin shirt had a few buttons undone at the top so the younger man could see his collar bones and the top of his pectoral muscles, of course Jiyong already knew the shape the man was in, he seen him all the time but right now he gets to look without hiding behind quick glances.  
His beautiful face did not hide the dark circles that were under both eyes, Jiyong ignored the guilty pang that hit him and focused instead on his other features, he had he most perfect high cheek bones that made even the most beautiful girls jealous of this man's natural beauty, and he managed to somehow always have perfectly formed eyebrows, they matched it sleek hair, that, at the moment was quite ruffled, but that only made him look more appealing to the young man. And best of all, his currently hidden gem, Seung-Hyun's eyes, the first thing he looked for every morning when he entered the YG building, searching for those dark brown orbs of hope that sent sparks through his body. The man really was perfect.

Groaning at the fact that because the man was sleeping he could not see those beautiful eyes, he accidently made the older man stir; it was so quiet in that room that a pin drop would wake the man. Jiyong's heart now racing at the fact that he'd have to face his hyung knowing everything he'd done. He wants nothing more than to have the ground open up and swallow him right now. But it was too late, Seung-hyun had opened his eyes and was staring at the younger man, like a stunned mullet he looked shocked beyond belief, it was as if he'd seen a ghost, no it was like he thought he was still dreaming.

"Ji.."

There it is, that heavenly voice that makes the younger man tingle, but this time that wonderful feeling of having that man say his name was drowned out by guilt and instead of replying, he looked away in shame.  
The intensity of guilt he felt right now rivalled his previous desire to end his life, how was he expected to be able to live with all that has happened? How was he supposed to look any of them in the eye ever again?

"Jiyong.." came from the man again, this time with more persistence, the wounded star still could not look at his hyung who he could hear was moving towards him now, he simply attempted to turn his face and hide further.

He heard the man pull up a chair beside his bed and plop down onto it, the star could smell him now, and it was intoxicating. He jolted in surprise when he felt his hand being held and raised up, then he felt it, a kiss on his knuckles. 'what?!' he screamed in his head confused. It was such a soft and tender kiss, filled with compassion and that was enough the break the already wounded younger man. A soft hiccup was his downfall as his sadness and confusion took over his body and a tear left its water confines, fell down his cheek and disappeared into the linen on which his head resided.

He was so weak and broken and did not want to be seen like this, but there was no where he could run. What did that small kiss mean? Is Seung-hyun toying with him? And if so, why? Could he not that he could not take any more pain and hurt?

"Ji.. please i.."

Now Seung-Hyun was at a loss for words, he wanted to tell the young man that he loved him but, what if this affection was one sided? What if his guess is wrong? It will only make this entire terrible situation so much worse. He remembers just moments ago when he heard his love awake from his long slumber, it was like being drop kicked, he had waited so long and prayed to anyone who might have been listening that when it actually happened he was in utter shock. He was elated of course, but shocked.

His heart shattered when he heard his love sob 'why baby? How can I help you?' was all he thought, he felt the younger jump at the kiss he had planted on his hand, but, he thought it was just surprise, but now he is sitting here watching his beloved cry and he doesn't know what to do to help.

"Ji, I'll go and tell the doctor that you've woken, okay?"

He added the last part as a question in hopes that the man would reply to him, he didn't and the man just slumped his shoulders, let go of the tube filled hand and left the room.  
Outside of the room, Seung-Hyun has taken a shaky deep breath, he had too, and it was all he could do to stop himself from crying. He is convinced now that he is in fact the reason that Jiyong is in this positon, but he can't pin point the exact reason, all he knows now for sure is that, he loves the young man and that he will do anything and everything in his power to help the struggling pop star. He will not let this happen again.

Walking up to the counter with unsteady legs, he informed the nurses that the man in room 22 had finally woke up and seemed to be fully aware

"okay sir, I'll send in the doctor right away" the woman seemed very interested in the young man and he could not tell if she was simply going above and beyond for her job or, and the more likely reason, because it was the very handsome, famous and wealthy GDragon laying in that bed. I didn't particularly like the latter reason but if it meant that Ji would get help sooner rather than later then he could deal with that.

When Seung-Hyun came back into the room, the man in the bed almost stopped breathing; the older man really was breath taking, despite looking like hammered shit which he could only assume was lack of sleep and food.  
'this is all my fault' he blamed himself for all of this. He knows now that he should have taken his and Dr Tatum's visits more seriously, maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe, maybe he wouldn't have fallen in love.

Jiyong looked up to see that the doctor had followed close behind his hyung and was at the foot of his bed, looking over his charts and scribbling down who knows what, he was just glad right now that he did not have to be in the room alone with Seung-Hyun who he knows is staring at him with full blown intensity.

"Alright Mr Kwon, I need to check your vitals now okay?"

He looked nervously at his hyung's direction, he's seen enough of his broken self, Jiyong doesn't want him to witness anymore. Noticing his charges hesitation he caught wind of what was wrong

"Seung-hyun, could you please leave while I do this? It will not take long"

"But.. yes doctor"

Seung-Hyun gave one more reassuring glance to the man he loved before unhappily leaving the room. Stepping outside and closing the door, the man didn't even bother moving to the waiting room, he paced back and forth in from of room 22, waiting and waiting so that he could go back in. he couldn't stand not being beside him, especially when Jiyong might need him.

After barely 15 minutes, the doctor came out of the room, closing the door behind him. 'huh why?' he thought, 'what the hell happened?'

The doctor saw the man's reaction and reassured him that, Mr Kwon was in fact okay, he had just checked everything and re dressed his wound and that he didn't seem to show any signs of brain damage.

"Then why did you close the door? Can I go back in now?" trying quite hard to keep his temper in check, he was so very happy to hear good news about Jiyong but now he wanted to be with him again and, maybe work out what happened.

"I had to give him more pain relief and it has will make him very sleepy, I'm not sure what you spoke about when he awoke but he was quite stressed and cannot deal with that right now or he may not heal. So he will not be allowed to have any more visitors until he has woken up again."

Stunned, the man who hasn't left Ji's side for days was not welcome to see him, even if only to sit on the lounge and watch him, make sure he's safe. Now he was pissed, he turned and stormed away from the doctor without a word, not willing to leave he figured he'd just sleep in the waiting room until Jiyong woke up.

Jiyong's head is feeling much lighter now, in fact, his entire body was feeling much lighter, those drugs the doctor had put through his IV have taken affect quite quickly. He was feeling almost drunk, he was woozy and almost happy and he had no pain in his at all "Seung-Hyun ahhh" he slurred out in his daze, he wanted to tell the man how he felt, right now while he was under the influence and had the courage

"SEEUUNNGG-HYUUUUN"

Moments later a nurse came running in to see what had happened

"Mr Kwon, what's wrong?"

"Heeyyya nurse lady, these drugs are really nice can I please see Seung-hyun ah, please, now thank you"

His words came out in a fast blur, the nurse almost couldn't keep up but she managed to get a grasp and told the man that she would go find the man he wanted to see.

Seung-Hyun shot upright when he was coolly woken up by a young nurse

"Jiyong?! What's happened?!"

"Seung-Hyun, calm down, Jiyong is fine, he is awake and is wildly asking to see you. His pain for the moment has been subdued thanks to the medication"

'He's asking for me?' the man thought making his heart swell with happiness, his Ji wants to see him. But what changed, last time he was in there the younger couldn't even look him in the eye, the nurse was saying something that he blanked out while he let his thoughts run wild with hope.

Pretty much skipping to room 22, Big Bangs oldest member didn't even bother knocking on the door before entering, Jiyong wanted to see he and nothing was going to get in his way, not a doctor now, or a door.

"Seung-Hyun ah!"

The man in the bed snapped his head in the direction of the door and his eyes lit up at the sight

"Hyung! come sit, come sit with me"

'wow, what the hell? What's going on here?' the older man was stunned at the total change of attitude

Obliging the younger man, Seung-Hyun walked over to the chair beside his bed and took a seat

"heey no. I meant sit with me" Jiyong looked sad but determined; still shocked by all of this the older man didn't argue he just pulled down the bed rail on the right side of Jiyong and sat on the bed.  
Jiyong's confidence now fading and replacing it self with insecurity at the close proximity of the man beside him, He decided quickly that he had to do it, it was now or never.

With a light head and a blush for days, Jiyong put his head down while trying to unjumble his thoughts through the drug induced fog, taking a quick breath he decided to just go for it

"Hyung.. I'm so so SO sorry for p-putting you through this" he stumbled over his words quickly continuing before the older man could interrupt and make him lose his train of thought

"I don't know how this happened hyung, it was so dark, everywhere and always, and I couldn't get rid of it or run away. It followed me and I got lost in it and I didn't think to ask for help even though I know you all care, I didn't know how and still don't. I've ruined everything hyung, everything I was and any future I might have had, and what about Big Bang? What about us? What if I broke us? What is YG going to think? You know what he is like hyung, where do I from here? Can I even go anywhere from here?"

Everything the younger was saying came out so fast, like a guilty confession, words just kept spewing out. Seung-Hyun was so taken aback by all the very real and valid questions from his young love, he was at a complete loss of words, what could he reply to that? The truth may be harsh but sugar coating it will only eventually make it worse.

"Ji.. i.."

Literally having his words fail him right now he just sat there staring, things had started to get awkward. The only thing the older man could do to try to comfort the injured man was take his hand again and attempt to physically show the man that he isn't alone right now and hopefully convey to him that it's not just right now, but he will never have to feel alone again.

Jiyong's heart shot into his throat at contact for the second time today, he felt tears welling up in his eyes and fought to hold them back, he had cried enough. But the drug high is appearing to be way too brief and he is losing the battle in his head again. He wants so much to have Seung-Hyun lean in and kiss him, he wants to melt away in those plump lips and have his pain melt away too.  
He looked away again; shame etched all over his youthful and beautiful face, this action did not go unnoticed by his Hyun who simply tightened his grip a little in assurance.

Neither men had any idea where to go from here, the younger man wanted to hide, to keep the way he felt away from judgmental persons, the older just wanted to see his Ji be happy again, to put this whole mess behind him. Granted, he wanted it to be by his side, the younger man's happiness and wellbeing meant more to him.

Jiyong was feeling really, really woozy now and dead tired, that small amount of excitement had drained him and apparently the doctor was right when he said these new meds would make him impossibly tired. It worked its way through his whole body and his strength was fading with every second, before he could stop it one tear had escaped but he was too tired to try and stop it or hide it.

"please no.. not again" Jiyong barely whispered out closing his eyes, he was falling.

"Ji baby, no.."

What was that he heard his hyung say? He can't make out anything now, couldn't concentrate on any one word; it was almost just noise in his head as he was losing consciousness again. He fought to try and make sense of the sounds his hyung was making, 'baby'? Is that was the man said? There's no way, no way he could have actually said that. 'I'm.. Going crazy' Jiyong thought feeling that darkness fall over him again, because he thinks he's hearing things he wants to hear.

Seung-Hyun, watching the injured man succumb to the drugs and fall asleep, decided take this quick opportunity to sneak in one, little, kiss. It was just a small peck on his forehead, just a tiny bit of intimacy before he leaves to let the man rest.

"Jiyong.. please, please don't ever think you have to go through any of this alone ever again..i.."

Chocking back his own tears now, trying to croak out some loving words to the sleeping idol, he's pretty sure he is just saying it aloud to empty space and sleeping ears.

"I thought I was going to lose you Ji.. You had me terrified and I thought.. I thought wouldn't get to tell you that.. I love you, Ji"

…

* * *

A/N

Hey guys! It's only been two days since the last update and it may show in the writing, sorry. Having said that, leave a comment on how I could improve, I really do want to get better!  
it may take longer for chapter 5 but I will try my best to have it done for you guys!

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it!

Much love, Jeddy


	5. It happened

**Scarred chapter 5**

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun, I.. I love you too.. I've waited so long to hear you say those words to me"

"I love you, Ji"

Jiyong could hardly contain the joy he felt upon hearing those 4 words, they had immediately chased away the dark cloud that had almost consumed the handsome, young star. But, he didn't feel like himself 'what's wrong with me?'  
He felt as if he was floating, but he could feel weight on his back, how could he be floating but feel that?

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun.." Jiyong spoke the man's name lovingly "I love you, too"

He reached up his hand above his face, checking to see if this was real, if this was his own body and if this was actually happening to him. Then suddenly, a spot on his forehead felt warm, and a soft feather like pressure appeared for barely a moment. It warmed him, soothed his soul and he was sad that it was over so quickly. Scrunching his face in confusion, he wondered what that was, why did it feel so familiar?

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun?"

"I love you, Ji"

'oh no' he thought with a heavy heart, he'd figured it out, he knows what's happening now and its upsetting for the idol who that that he was finally free.

"I love you, Ji"

It was a dream, Jiyong was sleeping and all of this was not real.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" he yelled out in his dream "Don't say those words to me if they are not real!"

His devastation was evident, is rolled off him in waves that rocked him to his core, 'this can't be happening!'

"It's not fair! Why do these things keep happening!? It's because I'm fucking worthless isn't it?! Because I'm a useless, broken shell of a man! But.. is this what I really deserve?!"

"I love you, Ji"

"NOOOOOOOOO! " he screamed so loud he thought his lungs would explode, he kind of hoped they would.

Waking with a startle, Jiyong was trying to catch his breath and calm his mind 'I can't believe that' he thought looking over his body and around the room.

He was sweating profusely and his heart was pumping so fast it resembled one of his panic attacks, he could feel it now, the pain in his left arm had appeared again, groaning because he knows that the wound would have to be re dressed soon.

Finally after gathering his wits, he took notice of the empty room 'its empty..' the lack of presence weighed heavily on him 'they really don't want to be here' and those few words that swam through his mind were enough to start picking at what was left of his soul. Especially since his hyung had told him he'd never have to deal with this alone again.

'Wait, was that in the dream? Or was it real?' at this point the Jiyong really was convinced he was losing his mind, what was reality?, what was dream? What was hope? He had lost sense of all of them right now.

Sitting upright and putting his head in his hands in defeat the young man, the famous GDragon, was totally lost. He was once so in control, so strong and so powerful in so many ways, and this is what he's become, a love bound, suicidal freak. At least that's what he truly believed to be the truth now.

At that moment a nurse came in to deliver his breakfast, when was the last time he had eaten? Days? Weeks? He doesn't even know. But the physical signs were there, he was weak, had begun to lose muscle mass and had bones protruding from places that were normally covered.

The young lady came in and placed the generic looking food on Jiyong's mobile table, he could see her blush at their closeness, 'but why?' right now he didn't feel like the GDragon everyone recognized and loved, why would she feel anything for this disgusting shell of a man?.

"Where is Seung-Hyun" he asked quietly, hoping desperately for a positive answer

"umm.." she took a moment to think about it "I believe he is still in the waiting room sir"

'oh, he is here.. maybe he does care.' "how long has he been in there?"

"Since you fell asleep last night sir, will that be all? Can I get you something?"

Jiyong had wanted to ask her to either tell the sleeping man to either go home to sleep and eat or ask him to come and see him, but he decided he should probably let the man he cared so much about, sleep.

"No thank you, I don't need anything"

The nurse turn on her heel and left him to sit there with his thoughts, again, and that really wasn't a good idea right now. The hospital had made sure that nothing in the room could be used by him to cut again, so even if he felt the desire there was no way he could.

While drinking his really bad coffee he let his mind wonder to yesterday, he had cried in front of Seung-Hyun and acted so coldly towards him, he's probably only here because he thinks he has to, thought the star. Trying to think about what the two had spoken about was difficult, he was so doped up that it was like trying to remember something from when you were 10, he vaguely remembers calling out to the man 'oh god..'

'what if I told him? Oh god.. fuck..'

"fuck!"

He actually said that aloud, he was pretty much bed ridden so he had no other way to vent is shock and fear at the possible situation. And what was up with his dream? It felt so real, it was so unrealistic but so real at the same time. It hurt so much knowing that those words were all just a figment of his depressed and drugged up imagination.

Waking up on a tiny couch, Seung-Hyun got up and stretched his long sore limbs, kind of wishing that he was at home in his own bed, he got up and checked his phone, 10 missed calls and 6 text messages, all from his band mates. 'Hyung, are you still at the hospital?' from Daesung, he didn't bother checking the others, he knows they're all similar. And he didn't care what they all thought, he wasn't going to leave the hospital and in fact the hospital staff didn't seem to mind his constant presence, they will bring him food and beverages and have let him shower in their locker room too.

Lolling his head back and forth, cracking his neck and releasing some stiffness he was deciding what to do next. Would Jiyong be awake? It was just after 9am after all, he wonders if the young man has eaten, perhaps he should go and see him now.

Before leaving the small room Seung-Hyun quickly typed a reply to Daesung 'Yes I'm still here, no I'm not leaving, thank you for being concerned'. There, done, now he can focus on his Ji again.

Walking down the corridor towards room 22 he stopped at the reception desk to ask if the younger man was awake and if he could go in to see him

"Room 22? Um yes sir the patient is awake you can just go right in"

"Thanks"

This time when he reached the door he did stop to knock

"come in"

He barely heard through the closed door, making his way in he was incredibly happy to see the young man was eating; it was a relief because he looks so sickly right now. Fighting the urge to smile because it might make Jiyong uncomfortable he just walked in and took a seat by his side

"Ji"

'oh no' Jiyong thought 'I don't think I can keep anything down while he is here..' and he stopped eating instantly, that was because he was so nervous whenever his hyung was near him. This was noticed by the older man whose face was once again etched with worry. 'no hyung.. please don't look at me like that'

Would he ever be free of these feelings? None of this would be a problem if he didn't love Seung-Hyun.

"How are you this morning Ji?

Struggling to swallow his mouthful he took the opportunity to think, how was he feeling right now? Or at least before his hyung had made an appearance.

"I um.. I feel okay, my arm isn't so sore today its only bad then they change the dressing.. but I had some strange dreams"

He can no longer keep trying to hide everything from the man he loved, so starting with his dream, he would assess Seung-Hyun's reaction from that.

"Hyung.. in my dream you said.."

He was definitely having second thoughts about this right now, what if he could hear the hope in his voice?

"you said.. that you loved me"

He's now holding his breath awaiting a reply, he'd said it, he confessed his dreams leaving out the part where he'd said that he loved him back and that hearing those words meant more to him then living.

'Fuck! Please say something!' desperately wanting to breathe again and have the older man put him out of his misery.

"Jiyong.. I.. do love you.."

'Fuck, I knew I was... wait what?' not expecting that reply the young man's head shot up to look at the older, he didn't look like Seung-Hyun at the moment, he looked like a tortured soul, found guilty and on death row. Why would he feel guilty? The older man had his head down in what looked like shame 'please Seung.. no.. 'It wasn't supposed to go this way, he was supposed to just say that it wasn't real, that it was all just imagination and dreams, that he didn't love the young man.

'Am I dreaming again? Did I ever really wake up? Did I even live or is this my own personal hell?' mind running frantically Jiyong wasn't even sure if he was alive now, all this hope and all these elated feelings that when returned never seem to be reality.

"Ji?.. Please say something"

"…. I think I'm in my own personal hell, this happened in my dream, but then I woke up broken and lonely, again"

"your own hell, Jiyong? Is it.. really that bad that I have feelings for you?"

"No, it's not. But I know it's not real. I'll just wake up again, maybe and have to deal with you saying it over again in different scenarios. That's why it's hell, because it's never real."

"But it is real, Jiyong, I'm real, I'm here." The older take the stars hand and gently squeezes it, trying to prove to him that he wasn't dreaming this time. His hand was shaking, it matched his soul, shaking and falling apart with each tremor.

…

Sobbing again now the younger man pulled his hand away, he can't do this again, if he had too, he would try to take his life again and would not fail this time. Pulling his hands up and grasping his head he was shaking left and right and rocking back and forth. His own mind was playing tricks on him, it was desperately trying to make him seem happy but it never ended up that way and he always ended up crashing and burning. Even if this was real, he knows he must look like a mad man in an asylum and who could love that? Who could love someone so broken?

"Jiyong stop" he vaguely hears in his mind, his hyung speaking but his eyes were screwed shut in pain and his mind was screaming at him.

"Ji, please!"

Still nothing, there just wasn't anything there and the younger man was screaming in his head that this wasn't real, it wasn't real and he needed to snap out of this right now or it will completely destroy him.

"Jiyong! Look at me now!'

Such authority in that voice, it was so real it that it gave Jiyong goose bumps and make his eyes swell with watery hope and sadness, 'this is it' he thought, this is what would be the end of him. And he supposed that this wouldn't be a bad way to go would it? Dying thinking the man you loved, loved you back? It's only a moment of brief happiness but long enough to be with him until the very end.

….

This was getting bad, he could see his young love slipping away from him, he looks like a shell of who he once was but so long as there is even a tiny bit of life in there; Seung-Hyun wouldn't give up on Jiyong. But what could he do? How could he help? He just wants to help the man be free again, to see him smile and hear him laugh again. Doesn't he know how much he has to live for?

"Ji… Please" he begged this time, his heart was breaking at the sigh,t maybe he should dive in head first and wrap the young man in a hug? Make him feel the reassurance and the love and care he has to offer.

'Fuck it' he thought and leaned in and pulled the young man easily out of his trance and onto his lap, it was not without struggle though as Jiyong fought hard to find release, flailing hard against his hyung, limps flying and arms desperately trying to find some leverage.

"NO! LET GO OF ME! YOU DON"T LOVE ME! THIS ISN'T REAL" he yelled so loud in Seung-Hyun's face, but that didn't help, the older man refused to let go. He couldn't let go, if he did he knew the man would find a way to end his life and he couldn't, no, wouldn't live with that.

"Ji! Please stop, I told you I loved you and.."

"No! That's a lie! Why would you love me back! I'm Disgusting! Look at me!"

"Stop! That's not true Ji! Please believe me!"

"I can't, I can't be believe a lie! It hurts too mu…"

Seung-Hyun had heard enough, enough pain in his voice and enough doubt for a life time! He made a snap decision that he hoped, would not backfire. Taking a quick breath in an attempt to steady his thumping heart he did something he's waited a long time to do and something that he prayed would help this situation.

Seung-Hyun leaned down and planted a light kiss onto Jiyong's trembling lips.

'fuck! I can't believe I just did that'

A/N

Soooo guys, Chapter 5 is done and dusted! What do you think? I actually got it done faster then I thought I would, which is awesome! Thank you for taking the time to read this, as always I hope you enjoyed it!

Much love, Jeddy


	6. It's Time

**Scarred Chapter 6**

Jiyong's mind went blank but his heart swelled with love and desire, was this real? He had never had dreams as vivid as this before, never have they been this realistic. Seung-Hyun's lips were so warm and soft and easy to kiss, if this was a dream, he didn't want it to end.

Riding out what Jiyong thought was a dream, he decided to kiss back, the heated contact between the two men was getting heavy and the younger man wrapped his right and uninjured arm around the older man, he felt welcomed, it was very familiar and settled his slightly wavering nerves. To him this was perfect, he was seated exactly where he knew he needed to be, in Seung-Hyun's lap and the passionate act they were performing made hot tears well in his eyes and trickle down his swollen cheeks. This was perfect.  
The kiss deepened and became more frantic as both men realized they wanted more, they wanted to feel more of each other and attempt to force their shared emotions onto one another, to show each other that what they were feeling was real, that this was what each of them wanted.

Seung-Hyun pushed one last kiss onto the younger man and pulled away when he felt Jiyong's tears hit his face

"Ji"

…

Even though he felt Jiyong push back just as passionately as he had, his tears made him fear he had made the wrong decision suddenly kissing his younger. Was this what Ji really wanted? He knows the younger man had confessed his love but how could the older man be sure that it's real? Jiyong is currently in the mental health care ward in hospital for self-harm and attempted suicide, maybe all of this is just confusion. Even thinking those words made the older man's heart grow heavy.

"Ji.. I'm so sor…"

"Hyung.." Seung-Hyun was cut off by Jiyong who was looking at his arm that was placed around his Hyung's neck, he felt the urge to fiddle with his fingers he was so nervous.

Jiyong was at a loss for words, this seemed to be real but if it was, what was he supposed to say?

JIYONG

'Why did he stop? Did he change his mind? Doesn't he love me like he said he did? There's no way he would toy with me like that would he?'  
It was different in his dreams, Seung-Hyun's personality was always a little different because it was all something that Jiyong had made up in his sleep state, that's why he never held any of his dream rejections against Seung-Hyun, because he knew they weren't real but this time is different, this time it is real and Jiyong knows he won't survive and real life rejection from the one thing he wants the most in the world.

Desperately wanting to fidget and look anywhere but at his beloved, Jiyong was looking for the right words to describe how what just happened made him feel and what happens next. When his clouded thoughts were interrupted by the sweetest sound the young man knows, Seung-Hyun's voice.

"Jiyong.."

There was a pause and it only made Jiyong more nervous about what he could only assume as being the rejection he cannot bare to hear

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.."

Another pause, 'didn't mean to? Didn't he want to kiss me? Was he just doing it to try and make me feel better?' Jiyong's heart fell into his stomach, this was really it, all of this wasn't real.

"Ji, I'm sorry if I scared you, and if I forced myself onto you.. I thought it was what you wanted and I just can't see you cry anymore Ji.. I really do love you and I hope you can forgive me"

Seung-Hyun's words all came out in a rush, like he was scared to say those words but if they were true then..

"why did you stop then?"

The younger man dared to look up at the older, what he saw on his Hyung's face was sadness and confusion and love? Maybe, but Jiyong can't really tell right now. 'What about my question is confusing?'

"Why did I stop what Ji?" asked Seung-hyun who honestly looked like he wasn't sure what he'd done.

Jiyong's heart was beating rapidly in his chest; did he really have to say the words out loud? Among all his current feelings did embarrassment have to be added to the list?

"why did you.. Stop kissing me?"

There, he'd said it feeling betrayed by his bright red face he looked away, not knowing if he could handle his hyung's reaction.

SEUNG-HYUN

"Why did you.. stop kissing me?"

He watched as the younger man hid his face in shame at the question 'don't hide your face from me baby' he thought as he was looking down. He could feel the man's arm wrapped around his neck still but it seemed much more hesitant now, like it wanted to pull away, he wouldn't let it. He knows he needs to make Jiyong feel safe and secure and loved, cherished and wanted. He needs to make sure that his love knows and believe that this, his feelings for Jiyong, are real.

"I stopped because I felt your tears Ji, I thought I had made a mistake and that you didn't want me to kiss you.. I thought.."

Seung-Hyun's words were cut short by a pair of sweet lips, plump and swollen like his cheeks and puffy eyes 'He really does want this too'

Seung-Hyun pulled the younger man tighter and closer to him as he deepened the kiss again this time, met with no resistance he slipped his tongue through his lips, seeking acceptance from Jiyong and it was immediate. He let his tongue explore the hot cavern that was presented to him, playfully attacking Jiyong's tongue in the process. The young man tasted sweet and musky and it was intoxicating, his heart melted and his mind went to mush as the hearty combination of taste, smell and touch finally connected in his brain.

This was all he needed; he needed Jiyong, in his arms where the young man belonged, draped and protected by the older man who will never again allow such pain to befall his loved one. Jiyong will never have to feel alone again 'I will be all the support he will ever need', and he meant it, of course he knows that Jiyong has many people who care for him and about his wellbeing but Seung-Hyun will stop at nothing to make sure that Jiyong is safe and happy.

Breaking the kiss they both sat completely content, breathing heavy they just enjoyed the weight of each other.

But what happens now? Where do they go from here? Making it official means telling their families, both their mums expect grandchildren from them at some point, 'perhaps we'll adopt' thought the older man. And what about Jiyong's career? Everyone knows that papa YG is grooming Ji to take over the company, would he still have that opportunity? 'oh god.. what will we be getting into, this could destroy everything he's worked for'.

Both men lost in thought about what happens now that they have both confessed when a knock at Jiyong's door stole their attention, a quick glance at each other and panic spiked through them, they were in a very compromising position with Ji being cradled in Seung-Hyun's lap. They couldn't be seen like this, not yet, it would cause way too much drama, drama that Jiyong didn't need on his plate right now.

Jiyong leaped off his hyung as quickly as he could without hurting himself, Seung-Hyun of course helping him off too and in barely a moment Ji was back lying down and his hyung on the chair beside his bed.  
The door creaked open and an older woman walked in with a solemn look on her aged face, it was Jiyong's mum, she was a very little woman but she carried herself well, considering all things, she actually intimidated Seung-Hyun knowing that someday soon he would have to explain to her that he, a man, wanted to be in a relationship with her famous son.

"Mrs Kwon.. I'll leave you two be, I'll see you later Ji" he patted Jiyong's hand upon standing up, trying to assure him that he'll be okay while he was gone.

"Thank you, Seung-Hyun. I really appreciate that you have been here for my son"

Nodding at her then stalks out of the room, leaving his new found love in search of something to keep him occupied while Ji's mother visited the younger man.

While walking to the waiting room, thinking that he really needs to eat and shower, one of Jiyong's nurses stopped him in his tracks

"Mr. Choi, we have spoken to Mr. Kwon's mother and Explained that Jiyong can be released tonight, on the premise that he be released into someone's care. Its for his safety, he can leave but he cannot be alone"

The man wondered why she would be telling him this, not that he isn't glad that Jiyong can leave, he knows that NO ONE likes to be in hospital, with the 2 hourly checks and constant beeping of all the monitoring machines it's enough to drive anyone crazy.

Seeing the puzzled look on the man's face, the nurse continued

"Mrs. Kwon believes that he should be released into your care, she is unsure if being with her is the right thing for him and, well, you have been here since he got here so she thinks that you're the better option"

'wow' he's in disbelief "Really? What with I have to do?"

"Not much Mr. Choi, we will be sending out an RDNS nurse (Royal district nurse service) every day to tend to his wounds, they are still very susceptible to infection. What you'll need to do is just monitor him you see, make sure you know where he is at all times for a while, keep an eye on his mood swings and notify us if he becomes unstable again etc."

"I can do that." Without hesitation he replied. Of course he could look after Ji!

It was now 5:30pm and Seung-Hyun was helping Jiyong gather all his belongings, not that there was much of it, being on suicide watch means that any and all communication outlets were forbidden so there were no cellphones, tablets, laptops etc. basically they were there to gather his clothes.

"come on Ji." The older man offered his hand to the younger to help him out of the hospital room.

Jiyong was nervous but elated, how his mum was the one to suggest that he be released into his hyungs care is still a mystery to him! Not that he minds of course, he knew he wouldn't be allowed to go home and be alone, he was suicidal, not stupid.

All of this was weighing so heavily on him though, his hyung, his love, his skills and talent, his stardom and fans. How will all of this piece together?  
His stomach twisted at the thought and he subconsciously moved his right hand to his left arm that was still tightly bound by the bandages. This didn't go unnoticed by Seung-Hyun who took off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around the younger man, Ji jolted at the touch but lavished and welcomed it, his hyung smelled so good, despite being in hospital so long and the younger briefly wondered if Seung-Hyun had even eaten in those few days.

The two walked side by side to Seung-Hyun's car, it was a private hospital and luckily the media hadn't found out that the biggest star in South Korea was in the mental health unit in hospital as a result of a failed suicide attempt. This meant that the older man could lead the younger to his car without the paparazzi snapping and photos, they were both fighting the urge to hold hands, but they knew the risk of being spotted was high, now outside the hospital and in full view of the public eye even if it was now the evening and dark outside.

The drive back to Jiyong's house was silent, not uncomfortable but Jiyong had this guilty feeling in the core of his stomach and his chest tightened as they drew near the house 'this is it, were going to be alone together.. what if I make him hate me? What if he resents me for this, not now, but maybe later? What if he doesn't want to take care of me?'

Thoughts like these plagued him, rolling around his mind like an endless loop of painful jabs at himself, and he can't stop them, he can't control them. That's what got him into this mess to begin with and now that he's outside the safety of his hospital room they've come flooding back with a vengeance.  
His heart rate spiked and his breathing accelerated as they passed through the big iron gates and drove up to the house, he took a second to remember why he brought this house, it was beautiful. But that wasn't enough to stem his nerves, he couldn't help but wonder what they'll do when they get inside.

Seung-Hyun's mind was also racing, though he looked calm on the outside on the inside his heart was pounding too, he took the time during their car ride to Jiyong's house to think of a mental checklist for when they arrived, first on the list was to get Ji settled in and feeling as safe and relaxed as possible, he made the decision days ago to wait on this man hand and foot til he was well enough to do things himself and also to show Jiyong that he was loved and cherished and that he certainly wasn't alone.

Swiftly getting out of the car to open the legendary G-Dragon's door for him, he threw his arm around him and pulled him into his side protectively before closing the door and taking Jiyong inside.  
closing the door to the house behind him, he let the younger man look around and adjust to being back in his home, where when he was last there he had tried to kill himself.

The younger man looked so ghostly standing there, pale, looking around wearing his hyung's jacket that was far to big, it broke the older man's heart to see the man he loved in this state. 'I'll fix this'.

"Ji.. I know its late but.. would you like something to eat or drink?" Seung-Hyun suggested lightly, comfortable was what he aimed for, but he didn't want to make the other man feel weak.

"hmm" came short and lowly from the younger man.

'Is that a yes? I think ill just go make some tea and something light to eat for him', he knew the younger man needed to eat, he looked far to small and frail for somebody his size, he knew that Jiyong had lost weight eating only that hospital food.

"Come on Ji, we'll go relax in the kitchen, I'm hungry too so ill just make us both something"

Jiyong looked up at him and nodded in agreement, Seung-Hyun was glad Ji didn't fight him on this, he needed to keep a close eye on him this soon out of hospital. Making a mental note that the kitchen held knives, that made him nervous but as long as he was here, he wouldn't let anything else like this happened to Ji ever again. As those thoughts appeared in his mind, his hand automatically found their way to his pocket, where the blade that G-Dragon had used to try to kill himself with still lay after he picked it up from the bathroom floor. 'I definitely need a shower' and he was right he hadn't had one in days.

Leading Ji to the bar stool in the kitchen the younger man took a seat and began to watch the handsome taller man work his way around his kitchen.

"Thank you, Seung-Hyun" he heard over the boiling kettle he just filled up.

Looking over to the young star, love welled in his eyes "Anytime Ji, I'll always be here" he smiled reassuringly at the star and quickly began busying himself pouring boiled water into mugs where the tea bags lay and waited to steep.

In the fridge where he obviously went to find milk for their tea, he looked around in it quickly to see what he could find to make into some sort of meal for the pair, as expected their wasn't much, he had called Youngbae yesterday evening and asked him to get some stuff for the house, just some basics for Ji for when he got home. The young man had done exactly what he'd asked for and although there wasn't much, he could work with basics. Making another mental note to call the sweet younger man to thank him and to let him and the others know that Ji is home and safe in his care, but he decided to do that tomorrow and just focus on Ji for tonight.

Using a spoon, he pulled out the tea bag and added some sugar and stirred before pouring the milk, making light work of all of this despite his nerves he took both the mugs and took them over to Jiyong,

"here Ji" he gave the younger man the mug as he sat beside him on another stool, it felt so wholesome to be here beside the star knowing he was finally safe and in the comfort of his own home.

Jiyong took the mug gingerly from his hyung and took a sip, Seung-hyung saw a wave of relaxation wash over the man, it was a pleasing sight to say the least, he knew he must have done a good job with the tea. This is what he wanted, now though, should he make Jiyong something to eat or would he want to do something else?.

Seung-Hyun has to shut his thoughts down immediately as they had taken a wayward direction that sent a delicious bolt through his body, he pushed any kinky thoughts of the other man down, along with the guilt. It isn't as if he would act on these thoughts and he would never, ever, take advantage of Jiyong.

"So, how are you feeling Ji? I'm sure it's good to finally be home. I know I'm glad you're out now and I'll let the other know tomorrow" he told Jiyong with a smile, it was genuine but not too much as to patronize the younger man.

The younger man looked over to his hyung, feeling terribly guilty that the other man had to stay here and baby sit him, he'd be lying to himself if he said he wasn't glad that it was his hyung to took on this role, but since it was Seung-Hyun, he would make sure to do his best to recover and not be a burden. Though, he can't stop his mind from filling with the words 'I love you, Jiyong' and he knew this time that those words weren't a dream, and the kiss, the older mans lips were so soft and tender and pull of care and passion, both of which were meant just for him.  
His mind raced with all the thoughts of the last few days, it seems as though everything he wanted was finally coming together, but, how long will Seung-Hyun stay by his side? He's almost sure that his hyung loves him in return the same way he does but he can't help but wonder how long it'll last. Now, again waves of anguish are crushing against him as doubt has yet again settled its way in.

He began shaking again, unable to stop or control his thoughts or emotions, he wished it was all cease for good.

"Ji, are you okay?" he heard over the humming of his own thoughts, 'Hyung must be able to see me trembling' this made him feel so awful, he certainly doesn't want to worry the man anymore then he already has.

"ah Hyung, yes I'm okay" he made eye contact and tried to reassure the older man, and himself. But he still felt so raw and open and broken, like he was exposed in every manner and it was very difficult to keep that from showing. Wanting to feel better Jiyong set his mug down on the bench and moved himself and the stool over to be closer to Seung-Hyun, their arms made contact and his hyung jolted lightly and watched the younger man move across until they were not even separated by a millimeter

"Sorry hyung, for this and everything else.. but…" he stopped and looked down, obvious to even himself that embarrassment was very visible on him, years of being in BIGBANG had proved that time and time again. "My body feels better when… I'm close to you"  
His heart thumped in his chest at the confession he had just made and prayed to god that he wouldn't be rejected or mocked.

It felt like now was the time, now or never but his nerves have him all kinds of messed up, pulling every ounce of courage left in himself and he knew it wasn't much, he turned toward the other man and using both hands to cup both of his cheeks he planted a heavy kiss onto Seung-Hyun's sweet, soft lips. 'FUCK! What am I thinking!'

He felt the older man tense and relax into the kiss and even though his mind was racing and telling him to run, when he felt Seung-Hyung kiss back with equal amounts of passion he forced himself to continue, continue chasing when his heart, mind and body desired.

Both men deepening the kiss, Jiyong slid off his stool and pushed himself against his hyung, this earned the younger man a hum of appreciation, his body became hot and each touch of the older man made his skin sting with pure desire. Releasing their lips but not letting go, the men were panting and crashed their foreheads together for stability.

"Hyung.. arh.. please" came out in pants.

He looked deep into the older man's eyes, also cloudy with desire and willed him to understand what it was that he wanted.

Leaning his lips forward and not knowing how this is happening or what's controlling him, he bit Seung-Hyun's lip, in return Seung-Hyun growled low in his throat that made his dick ache. Moving ever so slowly down to Seung-Hyun's jaw, nipping and licking and sucking his way up to the older man's earlobe, he took a quick nip at his lobe, and before he knew it, his desire had taken over and the words fell out of his mouth dripping with lust, before his brain could intervene.

"Hyung.. "The words barely a whisper  
"Fuck me, make me yours"

* * *

Thank you for taking the time to read!, let me know what you think!

Much love, Jeddy


	7. Showering Glow

**Scarred Chapter 7**

 **[This chapter is explicit! Please read at your own discretion]**

"Fuck me, make me yours"

….

"Jiyong-ah.. are you sure?"

Doubt, fear, and regret filled the younger man 'was this rejection?' Surly not, he felt the electricity when they touched and the intensity in their kisses.

Pulling way, Jiyong attempted to hide the shame he felt at that moment dipping his head low and attempting to move away from this inevitable disaster. But he was stopped in his tracks by strong arms that held him in place.

"Jiyong-ah, please don't. I want to, but.." It's almost to hard for Jiyong to hear these next words, he'd made his move, showed Seung-Hyun what he wanted, what he needed and in his state he can't handle being pushed away by the man he needs the most.

"but what hyung?! You don't want me?! You said you loved me!" Hot tears now welled in his eyes as he began trying to accept what might be the lowest point in his life, even worse then attempting suicide and being found by the only person in the world he thought, could heal him.

"Ji.. I, I have to be sure.. I want to, more then you know but.. I can't take advantage of you like this, I love you too much and I.."

"Then take me! Make me forget everything! You said you'd help me, now I'm asking, and you won't?" those last few words came out barely a whisper. Such raw emotions falling from his lips, the younger man has never felt more vulnerable the he did at this moment.

Looking up Jiyong saw pain flash through the older man's eyes 'why is he fighting this?'. Then it occurred to him that Seung-Hyun might think that he could hurt him and not just physically. Doesn't he understand that Jiyong needs this? That he needs the reassurance?

"Seung.. Please.. I want this, I want this now. You won't hurt me and even if you did, I wont care. I want you more." He pleaded with the beautiful man in front of him, begging him with his eyes to let this continue.

It worked, Jiyong found himself being lifted into the arms of Seung-Hyun who picked him up effortlessly by his arse cheeks and hurriedly began to move them both to the bedroom. Jiyong wrapped both arms around his hyung, ignoring the pain in his left arm as they made their way up the stairs to what he assumed was his bedroom.

Crashing through the bedroom door, all of this felt like a blur to Jiyong, a whirlwind of excitement and apprehension as he was practically pummeled to the bed, Seung-Hyun hovering above him staring, as if to try and gage the younger man's reactions 'is he still unsure?'. Dark eyes cloudy with lust bored down into him, like he was searching for Jiyong's soul. It made him nervous but, if he was going to allow anyone in, this is the only person who he'd want in.

He was so close, Seung-Hyun's whole body basically enveloped his own, such a tantalizing weight and his entire body ached to be touched in every manner by this man, closing his eyes so that he could fully appreciate Seung-Hyun's scent, it was heavenly, musky and sweet and made his mouth water.

Then he felt it, Seung-Hyun's breath against his throat, it made his heart skip more then a few beats as excitement and nerves set in, he briefly wondered how the older was able to move in such a way without him noticing but guesses that it was because the smell of his hyung had taken him away to some sort of wonderland in his mind.

"Ji.." he barely heard from the man above him in a deep, enticing voice. It was so full of need that a lump formed in his throat, this need, he knew the feeling well. 'he really does want me', the thought elated him, there's no stopping now.

"mmm?" was all that he could manage to say, his head was swimming and his body ached.

"Ji, baby, just tell me to stop whenever okay? You'd don't even need a reason." He sounded serious, but there was absolutely no way he was going to stop this.

"Seung-Hyun. Please, now, don't stop." As he said those words he threw his right arm over his face in an attempt to hide his embarrassment, he could only imagine how red his face must me, and as if fighting off tears for other reasons wasn't hard enough.

"Don't hide from me" he felt his arm being moved away, and he knew he shouldn't, but it was so hard not to feel ashamed for being this needy.

"just remember what I said, okay?"

"oka…" he was cut off by a gentle kiss, peaceful, reassuring kiss that made his body relax for the first time since entering the room. His lips were as soft and warm and sweet as he remembered, his memory did the man no justice.

Closing his eyes, to try and savor the moment better this time, he was surprised when his lover removed himself, a small whimper left his lips, he missed those lips already. Before he could make a move, Seung-Hyun had eased over to his ear "Keep your eyes closed". 'huh? What? Why?' this was not what he expected but he obliged nonetheless and kept his eyes closed.

What would he do now? Eyes closed meant Jiyong felt less embarrassed, but the down side was that the anticipation of what might happen next is gnawing at him.  
Thankfully Seung-Hyun didn't plan to make him wait very long as he felt his lover move against him, first, trailing his nose from his ear down to his throat where he stopped and breathed deeply. "Jiyong, you smell amazing" then out of nowhere before he could reply he felt his lovers hot slick tongue dart out and trace circles on his throat.

He couldn't help but let out a small needy moan, they hadn't even started anything yet and Jiyong thought he would explode, this man, this perfect, perfect, man was doing something that would barely be considered erotic and he thought he was going to lose his mind. He felt Seung-Hyun's tongue swirl around and move down, in a swift move he didn't notice, the top two buttons of his shirt had been undone. Leaving no time for thoughts the man above him moved to his collarbone, where instead of licking he began so suck and nibble, each nip sending jolts through his core and down to his throbbing dick. Seung-Hyun was taking his sweet time moving forward, it was torture to Jiyong but so delicious at the same time.

This time he felt his buttons being undone, one button at an agonizingly slow pace, what he assumed was his lovers' nose was trailing just above each opened segment, until they were all finally undone.

"Your skin is so beautiful Ji" he felt large hands spread across his tight torso, rubbing gently and making the hair all over Jiyong's body stand at attention. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding only for it to be caught again when Seung-Hyun started planting feathery light kisses all over his chest and torso, it was so gentle and sweet and loving that, the lump in his throat made a reappearance.

This whole scenario was overwhelming him, so much love and his emotions were peeking, everything he wanted was here, right now and he desperately didn't want to spoil the moment. But there is was, a single tear rolling down his cheek, evidence of his pain, and lust and joy. He prayed that it wouldn't halt his lovers' actions.

"Jiyong.." There it is, he knew it would be noticed. 'Fuck!'

"Don't stop, hyung! Please." he begged again 'It's not what you think'

"Jiyong-ah.. if you're not ready.."

Without thinking Jiyong's eyes shot open and he let his emotions be seen, he wished he wasn't so weak, he wished this could be more special for Seung-Hyun but, he can't help it.

"Please, don't stop.. you're.. you're healing me, please, please don.."

He didn't finish his sentence when eager lips found his, this time his kiss was more powerful, it had more presence, it was like Seung-Hyun was on a mission. The kiss was heated and grew in passion, tongues collided and when the man above him moaned into the kiss, it was Jiyong's undoing. He bit he older mans lip again, urging him to move faster, it worked. Seung-Hyun suddenly sat up and began pulling off his shirt, it was a one hell of a sight for Jiyong who, should have his eyes closed but who couldn't tear eyes away from the stunning sight before him.  
He called Jiyong's skin beautiful but, he thinks that he may have been referring to his own flawless body, he was well toned, very well-toned and the etching of his six pack made Jiyong's mouth water, he ogled the glorious man before him, resisting the urge to touch, his eyes drew lower, much lower where he found that Seung-Hyun's pants were barley sitting on him. His hip bones protruded because of his obvious workouts, and there was a vein that ran in the middle of his hips near his pubic area, down to where, well, Jiyong wanted to find out. The man was fucking stunning.

Jiyong sat up and removed his shirt, he did indeed want to find out. He pushed himself onto his lover and lowered them both down, it was his turn to be on top now. Seung-Hyun let out a huff but continued to watch him, landing on his hips, he could feel the man's erection, 'good' he thought, he wasn't the only one who was feeling a little tight.

Wiggling backwards to allow himself to roam where he wanted, eyes lighting up as he reached down and started to undo the button and zipper beneath him, he was enjoying this more then his lover knew.

He was shaking but he managed to get to his goal, sliding down Seung-Hyun's pants and exposing his tented underwear, fighting the urge to run again now that things were moving fast he decided to just go, reaching down he grabbed Seung-Hyun's dick over the underwear.

The older man growled low in his throat, the animalistic kind that makes woman swoon and beg to be impregnated, it sent shivers down his spine. He closed his eyes and squeezed a little, this time when Seung-Hyun moaned it made it obvious to himself that he had waited long enough, in one swift moved he jumped up and pulled both the pants and underwear down and threw himself down and was going to finally taste what he had literally dreamed about.

But his enthusiasm was short lived when Seung-Hyun stopped him in his tracks

"You've changed your mind.." Jiyong's heart sank, he was so, so wrong. Slumming his shoulders and dropping his head, he immediately moved himself off of the man he loves so much.

"Ji, baby no! I just.. I need a shower is all.. Join me?"

Jiyong was stunned, his thoughts had taken him to such a dark place when Seung-Hyun's intentions were pure, he hadn't rejected him.

"A shower?" a wave of guilt washed over him, this man was trying to prove to him that he loved him, and he jumps to conclusions 'I'm pathetic..'

"yes baby, a shower." He smiled at Jiyong and extended his hand out, tentatively, Jiyong took his hand and allowed himself to be taken to the bathroom. His heart sunk when he realized that, the last time he'd be in here was when he had tried to kill himself. 'Can I do this? What if there is still blood..', saying that he felt the blood drain from his face.

But his worries were for naught, his own hand in his lovers the two walked into the bathroom and Jiyong let out a sigh of relief.

"You sure you're up for this?" He must have sensed Jiyong's unease at being in his bathroom again.

'Yes! Yes, I want this!' he wanted to yell at the incredible man before him, but a slight smile and an eager nod of the head would have to suffice as it was all he could manage. He is beginning to allow himself to be excited, ecstatic even.

Seung-Hyun let go of his hand and stalked over to the shower, making light work of getting the temperature right he turned and looked at the younger man 'This is it!' Jiyong was as giddy as a kid in a candy store, he can't even remember the last time he felt even close to this.

Staring down Jiyong, Seung-Hyun made his way back over to the over eager star, his eyes were smoldering, and it looked like he was a predator about to catch his pray, it made his knees weak and his breath short.

"Come, Ji" 'oh baby, I defiantly want to' he almost snickered at his own wayward thought but, without hesitation he stepped forward and was now face to face with his hyung. The steamy room matched his cloudy thoughts, his head was buzzing when he felt sweet, plump lips on his own again.

The kiss was a distraction, he knew that because when they moved apart to breath his pants were at his ankles, he was almost completely on display right now. It was making him uncomfortable, his solution was to also remove Seung-Hyun's.

"My turn." He mustered up all his courage to say as that moved his hands down to Seung-Hyun's hips, tugging just a little he looked back up at the older man and began gingerly rubbing that vein that has him so enticed.

".. I want to lick this."

"Fuck Ji!" the man growled in appreciation.

Before he could continue, in a blur Seung-Hyun had pulled them both under the warm cascading water and begun kissing him, his hyung pulled him against his larger frame and growled into this kiss

"I want you Ji" it came out in erotic huffs.

Jiyong needed no other invitations as he dropped to his knees, ignoring the pain it caused he immediately tugged on Seung-Hyun's pants and underwear, it was more difficult this time now that they're wet. But he managed. His glorious dick sprung free and Jiyong took a moment to appreciate his lovers most private area, he was well endowered and he found that the vein on his pubic area almost connected to the thick vein that ran down the shaft. He wanted to lick this one even more.

Seung-Hyun took a step back before he could try anything, looking up at his lover questioningly Seung-Hyun stepped out of his undergarments and chuckled a little

"Clean first, Ji" he told the younger man playfully.

Pouting, the star stood up

"Don't pout please, it's hot as fuck and it's hard enough hold back as it is"

Jiyong's sharp intake of breath practically echoed through the bathroom 'was he serious?'

Seung-Hyun moved toward Jiyong and tugged at the only garment still warn, Jiyong helped him by wriggling out of his underwear. The older man grabbed a bottle of bodywash and Jiyong's luffa, squirting it and lathering in between his hands, he lent forward and began to wash Jiyong's body, first his shoulders, then his arms and arm pits, being extra careful not to touch his lovers' bandages, he made short work of the top half.

He dropped to his knees in front of Jiyong, looking down and watching his love treat him so gently and lovingly was a lot to take, it overwhelmed him to be treated this way and it made him feel special. The kind of special only a lover can achieve.

Tears started falling by accident, again, he couldn't believe he was crying again but the treatment he was receiving made his chest very unusually heavy. At least Seung-Hyun wouldn't notice it under all the water pouring over the two of them.

The tears were short lived when he suddenly found his mouth dropped open and his lungs drained of air, his lover had gripped his, definitely aching now dick.

"Nghhaa fuck Seun.."

"Shh. Baby just relax" He made it sound so simple, how could he relax when his entire being ached for release? Being so tightly wound up for so long, his depression, self-harm and the constant pain the anxiety caused, and let's not forget the torture before they even got into the shower. Yeah, sure, he'll relax.

Closing his eyes and throwing his head back he tried, tried as hard as he could to relax but, Seung-Hyun knew what he was doing with his hands, it was spectacular. His hand pumping back and forth, every few pumps he'd roll his thump over Jiyong's tip, each time it threated release. He was so close, moans and obscenities fell from his lips, but he couldn't hear anything over the shower and a humming noise in his ear.

He dared and peek and looked down at his lover, just in time to see his dick slip between Seung-Hyun's lips.

"Arhh fuck! Mmmm" his mouth was so hot and slippery, and he used his teeth to grind the side of his shaft, it was too much.

"Seung.. please.. I'm gonna.." His head was spinning and he was beginning to feel dizzy, but a bubble of heat was rising in his stomach threatening to explode.

Seung-Hyun kept up the pace, rolling his tongue around griping around the base of his shaft tightly. He hummed in his deep voice and it vibrated through his dick and straight to his core, he can't hold it anymore

"Baby.. fuu.. I'm coming!"

In an almost excruciating burst, Jiyong's eyes glazed and he saw flashing white sparks as he came into his lovers' mouth. His entire body convulsed and shuttered as he rode out the most intense orgasm he'd ever had.

Eyes still closed he slummed and almost hit the tiled floor, but his knight was there and made sure he didn't hit the deck, catching him under his arms and gently sat him under the water steam to gather his baring's. Sitting down next to him on the ground, Seung-Hyun leaned against the shower wall and pulled Jiyong into his arms, wrapping both arms around him in a big protective bear hug, he whispered sweet nothings into his young lovers' ear.

Jiyong was completely spent, he still couldn't open his eyes and all of his limbs felt like jelly despite feeling like he weighed a ton. He slummed his shoulders and dropped his head, as amazing as that was, he wanted to be the one to initiate and he wanted so bad to touch Seung-Hyun.. 'now I'm sitting on the floor and he hasn't had any release..'

"Seung-Hyun?" The words slipped out slurry, his whole body didn't seem to want to co-operate with him right now.

"Hmm? Yes baby?" 'He sounds pleased? How? Doesn't he want to cum too?

"I umm.. I thought we were going to, have sex?" his shy words came out quietly but he was glad he didn't stutter.

"Do you feel better?" he heard from behind him near his ear.

"Yes but.. we came in here so that I could.." why was he feeling shy suddenly?

"Ji, baby. Relax. I wanted to make you feel good, I wanted this to be about you. Do you understand?"

'do I understand? Understand what? I just know that he must throbbing painfully hard right now and I wanted to do something about that'

"Ji, don't worry about me for now okay? I'm fine, I promise" He felt Seung-Hyun plant a gentle kiss just behind his left ear, it relaxed him.

"I like it when you call me baby" he sleepily told his sweet lover and he heard a little giggle in return.

"I like calling you baby, baby." He didn't need to look to know that the man behind him was smirking his signature smoldering smile. It made him smile too.

"So, now that you feel better, would you like to get out?"

"Aren't you getting out too?" what the hell

"No baby, I still have to clean myself remember?" another little giggle surfaced, it definitely hadn't occurred to Jiyong that Seung-Hyun hadn't ACTUALLY showered properly yet.

"Okay well.. I'll stay here and watch then" his high was finally letting up now so he was more coherent.

"If you insist my love, but we can't be long. Your bandages are wet so I need to redress it." He heard Seung-Hyun's voice drop saying those words, it pained him to know how much what he did to himself hurt his lover.

Staying silent as Seung-Hyun got up and washed quickly, despite there being a Greek god in front of him, his mind took him away 'how am I going to make up for this?'

"yong.."

"hmm?" 'He's calling me'

"Jiyong? Baby? Let's get dry and hop into bed okay? You look utterly exhausted." He stated as a matter of fact.

"But first, lets fix up that dressing."

Standing up and turning off the shower, Seung-Hyun wrapped Jiyong in his towel and then himself, grabbing hold of the medical bag in the cupboard he led the two of them into the bedroom to get dried and dressed and deal with Jiyong's wounds.

Seung-Hyun was super gentle, taking extra care while unwrapping and cleaning then re wrapping the dressing on Jiyong's arm, the star watched him in awe at how gentle and efficient he was, his strong hands being as delicate as a piece of tissue. As he was finishing up, Jiyong felt a lump appear in his throat, swelling with love for this man. Filled with love and appreciation for this man he couldn't stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

"Seung-Hyun.. I.. I love you, so much"

Looking at the man in front of him staring back at him, he had hoped that Seung-Hyun knew they were the truest words he'd ever spoken aloud and in a split second he felt soft warm lips on his own, tender and sweet and full of love.

It was short and Seung-Hyun pulled away just enough to lightly bump his forehead into Jiyong's, with his eyes closed he breathed out just loud enough for Jiyong to hear

"I love you, too, Jiyong."

A/N

Thank you so much for reading! I really, really hope you enjoy this chapter! I tried very hard to write it calmly so that it did not seem rushed. Please leave feedback on this one.. I am very nervous about it lol


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